Sunday, July 13, 2008

What to do?

I'm feeling very very depressed right now. I feel so worthless! I would really like to go back to school to get a degree - unfortunately I'd prefer to get one that is not Liberal Arts. I've narrowed down my choices a bit, but I have no idea how I'd work out the scheduling of me going to classes, how I'd be able to finish (since we are moving in one year, I couldn't finish a degree here), and how I'd fit in not only the course load but most importantly all the homework and reading (because yes I do ALL the reading for my classes!). 

I feel like our life is very one sided. I feel like I'm doing everything I can possibly do to push Brian along, but I haven't gotten a single push (or maybe even the opposite). I just don't see that I would ever get the support with the kids and home stuff to be able to do what I'd like to do. 

A certain person who I will not name (and its not Brian) often refers to me as a housewife or just a mom - it hurts me so badly because I feel so categorized, sorted and just left there. There is nothing more to me! I hate that I feel like its my job to prove the opposite. 

Brian talks like he wants me to go back to school, but what is really sad is that I hear in his voice that he doesn't believe I can  do it. Or maybe its that he doesn't want me to because it'd be a lot harder on him. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm dumb - I didn't get into BYU and he did! There's a lot of bitterness there - probably a lot of why I hate the place! I have a feeling he thinks I still wouldn't get in even though my transfered GPA is a 3.52. 

Why can't I just be happy with where I am? Why do I feel like I have to strive for more? Is it just because I don't feel like I'll ever get opportunities to do things for myself? Its amazing how unloved you can feel when you feel like you are considered a lower life-form (even if Brian doesn't, I know some people who do!)


LeslieK said...

I can totally relate! Except, I don't even have kids, so I can't even categorize myself as a mom, and my degree is in English, so pretty useless! If you're interested though, what I decided to do was to go to UVSC/UVU and get my teaching certificate. They have a really good program there that's only 33 credits if you already have a bachelor's. However, you would have to apply to start the program in January, and it would take you until probably December 09, although, theoretically, if you took a lot of credits in spring/summer, you could finish in August. I just told Keith to take 3 easy semesters instead of 2 hard ones to finish, b/c it was something I needed to do to feel like I could help our family more. Long comment, but let me know if you have questions!!

Jennifer said...

Oh Care! I wish I could come plop on your couch! You are SO WORTHWHILE! You know, people who degrade our choices can't know their own value. It is ALWAYS (in my opinion and experience) easier to choose an opportunity that gets us out of the home. The world tends to reserve it's brand of esteem for money, advanced education, power, Oprah. Oh, you have GOT to not watch Oprah. She may say that stay-at-home moms have the hardest job in the world, but she doesn't believe it; she just knows her demographic.

YOU have chosen the better part. And it IS hard. REALLY hard. You are SO ABLE AND SMART ENOUGH to get a degree, fast-track or regular-track. I can't believe Brian doesn't believe that. Perhaps what you hear in his voice is the same thing that you feel - HOW would you do it with all that is going on at home. And, yes, it would take a lot of him.

Not even Nephi could remain just happy where he was. 2 Nephi 4. He struggled just like us. WAY like us. I'll pray for you so that the feelings will ease.

I just know that YOU are really incredible. You are a phenomenal mother. You are an ultra-supportive and loving wife. You are always looking to improve yourself and do things better. You are so very neighborly and pro-active in finding friends (you KNOW I suck at that). You cook lovely meals and take pride in it. You rejoice in your kids. Seriously, you are one of the best stay-at-home executives I know :)

You are one smart cookie. If the Lord says you can go to school now, you'll make a way. How many classes could you do online? Because I would save those for last, so if you move, you can still finish. You could, I don't know, put your kids on a napping schedule that leaves you some homeowork time. You could have study time outside the home so you don't get sucked back in (you KNOW that's what happens!) You would probably gain the skills and abilities needed to do it, if it's waht the Lord wants you to do.

I say that b/c I took an online class once. I feel like the Lord said, "Ok, you can try it if you like. Then you'll see the timing isn't quite right for you." It wasn't, of course, but He didn't make me feel bad about it. It felt like a gentle way of showing me my current responsibilities are of more importance, and that goal will have to wait. I am waiting until my kids are all in school.

Gosh, this is a like an email! Is that against blogger etiquette? I LOVE YOU! What else do you need to know ;)

JoDee said...

Carrie - Just wanted to send a hug your way. I'm so sorry. It can be hard to find your "place" outside of being Mom, I know. You are a wonderful person, inside and out, outside of being a great mom and wife. Hang in there!

Jon & Chelle said...

Ok, I just wrote a long long comment and then realized it was like 2 pages long and so I'll just email it to ya!!! loves!

Jesse Edwards said...

Carrie {hugs} -

If it makes you feel better I have to work right now and I can't wait for the day when I won't have to. I love just being a mom, and being able to see Gracie. It's like freedom! You can go places and do things without having to sit behind a desk all day everyday! I see my friends who work all the time with their kids in daycare, and I'm not at all envious. (I work from home at night) They never see their babies, and it would kill me to miss that.

On the other side, I think it would be fantastic for you to finish your degree. More power to you. And don't go to BYU, it's not zion. :) It doesn't matter where you go, but if it's what you really want, then you should go after it.

Beth said...

Can I just say ditto to Jennifer's comment? She said it all, and quite well. You're wonderful Care and I know you can do anything! If you feel like going back to school is what you are supposed to do, Heavenly Father will make a way for it to work.

Anyway, ditto to Jennifer. I love you Care!

Sarah Kay said...

It's a struggle, isn't it? Finding joy in the moment, having dreams, lacking confidence in yourself. That's why you have friends who know that you are more than a mom, more than a wife, more than a girl who isn't in school right now --- you're an amazing person.

Find the confidence from within, and then others will fall in line. Find your dream and go for it - even if it's a little at a time. No one's saying you have to get your degree by next semester or next year.

There will always be nay-sayers. Protect yourself and look towards heaven and positive friends to help you on your way.

Love ya tons!

Jennifer said...

You've got awesome friends, Carrie. (Myself included, tee hee!)

Joan said...

Hey Sweets! Too bad we don't live closer, huh? I swear I was going through this last week even WITH a job other than my mama job. It's rough. One of my good friends here takes classes just for the love of learning--not really to complete a degree. I hope you figure out what you'd like to do. Let me know if you ever feel like chatting! :)

Chanda said...

Carrie, I really feel for you and I've felt the same. Something that helps me when I'm feeling held down is to remember that I am responsible for my own happiness. It is up to me alone to make my goals happen. The good thing is that if I have a goal the Lord wants me to have then he helps me along. And he helps the people in my life to help me along. When you receive the confirmation of the spirit about the direction your life should take there's no looking back--everything miraculouly falls in to place. That being said I think you are great. I admire you and respect you and want you to come decorate my home! I hope interior decorating is on your list of possible degrees?????