Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Devil Lives by my Kitchen Sink

I need to tell Brian tonight that if he ever wants to save me from being depressed and miserable he needs to not let me ever wash dishes. When I wash dishes I'm alone facing a wall with ugly florescent lights shining down on my face. My hands are in the hot soapy water and my entire body gets hot and yucky. I get soaked  up to my elbows and all over the front of my shirt. I'm not careful possibly because I want to be done as fast as possible. I stand there and notice how the back wall is covered in water spots, the ledge is dusty. Everything around me is dirty - yet I am making them clean, but that has no impact on me for some reason. 

As I wash and wash and wash, and pile and pile the dishes up to the bottom of the cabinets I think. There is no one to talk to, nothing nice to look at, so I just think. And my thoughts at the sink always SINK! The devil lives there. He lives right in the dishwater maybe. I start to think about how worthless I am. All of the thoughts of me not finishing school, not being smart enough to compare or live up to the standards of my brother-in-laws. How a certain person laughs at me when asking me questions about my life as if to say you just aren't good enough and the life you lead is one of a simpleton. Get back in the kitchen and do those dishes, woman. Don't join the conversation, mother, you're not smart enough. Your opinion doesn't matter. You don't take care of yourself - look at all the weight you gained when you had kids. That's because that is all you are good for. You have nothing better to do, how pathetic. You can do no better, what a pity.

I instantly become caught up thinking that everything I care about is worth nothing.  The devil lives in my kitchen sink. Its probably the last place I should ever go again.  


LeslieK said...

I HATE the water on my shirt....
You should put either
a) an inspiring quote or 2 up on that wall or
b) a nice little plasma TV

I'd so vote for the latter...

Jennifer said...

DO NOT DO DISHES!! I'm so sorry about those depressing thoughts. I get them, too, and it is horrible. You are so the OPPOSITE of all those thoughts! You are one of my favorite people EVER, and I'm proud to be related to you! We can handle those Ruggles boys - they'll never know what hit 'em. And school just makes you educated, not intelligent.

You need a washing dishes playlist. Something upbeat and loud. Put on every song that makes you turn up the radio in the car. (Most of mine are inappropriate. "She got them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur! The whole club was lookin' at her!")

281-919-4745 (I think!)

Jessica said...

Those Ruggles boys got nothing on fact they are nothing with out us! They have big heads and good hearts but as Touka and Maria said in my Big Fat Greek Wedding

Toula Portokalos: Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!"

Maria Portokalos: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.

You're wonderful Carrie and Im so lucky to have you as a sister in law!

Chanda said...


You tell your bum brother in laws if they want dinner then they're doing the dishes! Better yet--they make dinner and do the dishes. They don't know any better Carrie, it's how they were raised. School em!

Motherhood is the most difficult, important, fulfilling job in the world. Remember that. I went to law school and it pales in comparison to the sense of achievement I feel from being a good mom. Maeve says when she grows up she wants to be a mother and I couldn't be more proud.

Beth said...

Carrie Ruggles, I think you're amazing. Can I come do your dishes for you? I really miss you guys so much and everytime I drive past your new home I think I want to go visit and then I remember there about a billion options of which apartment you could be in and I don't. Can you email me or facebook me and tell me where you live so I can show up on your doorstep someday with rubber gloves and a boombox (fresh prince style) so we can have a dance party while we wash dishes? Please? I miss you. Love. Oh and in case you forgot, you're amazing, intelligent, creative, talented and a wonderful loving mommy. All things I dream of being.